You know that friend that is lovable beyond words and a bit of a mess? I know you know exactly who I am talking about (and if you don’t, congratulations you might actually be that friend and I promise we love you regardless).
Well a while back—during the-year-that-shall-not-be-named—I had a solid session with my therapist where I complained for nearly 45 minutes straight (don’t worry she survived and didn’t even charge me extra for being particularly angsty that day). The subject of my gripe session was this messy friend, and how envious I felt that they were happily in a relationship while I (an avid Super Soul Sunday listener and self anointed “therapy person”) had just been dumped by my future husband.
My messy friend had never even been to therapy. They weren’t meditating every damn day. Sure they owned several journals, but they never wrote in any of them, and I don’t even think they knew Oprah had a book club. Here I was doing “the work” with both a therapist and a life coach, while they were posting couple photos on the beach. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong.
My therapist let me finish, nodded a few times and then let me stew in my own awkward silence for what felt like an eternity. I then gave her a look that read something like, “please save me, I have 15 minutes left in this session and I still feel unhinged.” She took a breath and began walking me down a path with some questions. It went something like this.
“Why are you in therapy Dakota?”
“Because I want to be my best self and not bring a bunch of baggage to my relationships. I need to become a safe person. A better person.”
“For what?”
“For life! For myself. For my future partner.”
“And what about people who don’t go to therapy? What about people with baggage, who aren’t safe people? Do they not deserve to find love?”
“Well no, I would never say that.”
“And, excuse my language here, what about ugly, old, or fat people? Poor or lazy people? Unsuccessful people? People who might be considered a mess? Do they deserve to find love?”
“Of course they do. I think everyone deserves to love and be loved!”
“Then what about you?”
Silence…
My therapist didn’t blink or break eye contact with me as she slowly lifted her piping hot tea to her lips. It was a Freudian checkmate. And like a time bomb counting down, I felt the emotions rushing up from the deep. Something caved in inside my chest and I (of course) began to weep. I had realized the rules of the game I had been playing, and realized that these rules were built on a premise of emotional poverty.
In the end we do not have to have it all together to enjoy good things. We do not need to rebuff joy, friendship, community, or love until we feel adult enough to inhabit our own skin.
There’s a little known story by CS Lewis where a man boards a bus that is set to take him to paradise. The ride is free and anyone can get on the bus. This particular man however, spends the whole journey prattling on about how he earned his spot, and he was just here to collect what was rightfully his. Upon arrival, he could not believe the nerve of all the messy and imperfect people who were already there enjoying paradise. They hadn’t “earned it” like he had and he knew it! This had him so flustered and upset that he marched back onto the bus and left paradise behind for good.
I think I am the guy on the bus and the messy people already enjoying paradise. Depends on the day.
This has been a long way of saying this week, I hope you are gentle with yourself. I hope you are fierce in your pursuit of what is good, and do not abstain from joy when it tosses pebbles at your window. Down here in the gutter, there are only messy people. “Good behavior” is a bargaining chip that only occasionally works in prisons. The universe doesn’t work like a cosmic vending machine where we get to cash in our Karma and transcend life as it shows up for us in real time. In fact,
there is nothing to transcend here.
Love comes for us all. And when it does show up, it is a gift. No earning required.
Love notes to little things:
My sweet baby Luna (the possum my husband and I rescued) has been coming to visit and eat some food every night around 8pm and my heart bursts every time. If you want to see a cute video of how she looked as a baby, see my last post.
I just completed a month of (almost) weekly community dinners (we took a hiatus this week for rest and full moon realness), and they are kind of my new favorite thing. 10/10 would recommend. The recipe is simple: some food and a handful of friends (or potential friends). The rest will take care of itself. (PS can you spot Taylor’s beautifully trained dancer feet? I would undergo experimental bootleg surgery to get those feet.)
And finally, here is a darling video of my husband and I dancing down the streets of downtown LA. I nearly didn’t write anything today because my first draft made no sense (not even to me and I wrote it), but he gave me some encouragement to put it down and let myself wander. So today’s post is thanks to him. Thanks for dumping me all those years ago and thanks for winning me back. Life is good.
Great Reads
“Let’s end the notion that ideas have no value unless they turn into a business or have some other practical use.”
“You can waste a perfectly good life trying to meet the standards of someone who thinks you’re not good enough because they can’t understand who you are.”
-Barbara Sher
I am definitely going to talk about this book more, but if you are someone who loves too many things to stick to any one of them, Refuse To Choose by Barbara Sher has been a game changer for me. If you are someone who has struggled to find your “one thing” to be passionate about, if you are someone who regularly becomes obsessed with something only to have the sparkle fade a few months later, or if you are someone who dedicates yourself to the mastery of some craft only to give it up as soon as you reach your peak, you might not be a dilettante bopping their way through life, you might actually be a brilliant renaissance (not the Beyonce kind) man or woman. But more on that later!
Call and Response:
With the moon being full and moving into a cycle of rest, take a second to indulge in some deep breaths or a little catnap in the sun. Share your restorative practice in a comment. Or don’t. Write or don’t write whatever feels good to you. It’s Friday.
Stay tender and stay true love bugs,
Dakota
Soo good! 🫶🏼